What's the meaning of this?

You may be wondering where the title of this Blog came from since it's not really about school marms and cowboys.  It's actually more about relationships. I have always been fascinated by the unexplainable attraction between certain types of individuals.  Using my own family and acquaintances as the norm is, I know, an overgeneralization, but nevertheless, it bears consideration.  

The school marm is usually pictured as a woman teaching in a one-room schoolhouse. She is generally thought to adhere to severe arbitrary rules and be strict on those who failed to comply with those rules. She likes the power and control of being in charge. Hers is a no-nonsense world of rules and rituals.

It is said that a cowboy is not only defined by the work he does, but by the way he carries himself.  It is a culture of work ethics, not big talkers. Cowboys love nature and the natural world.  They want to die working…not working for money, working to make things better.  They love the land, the ranch and the plains.  They know it intimately.  Unfortunately, these characteristics do not always translate well in relationships. Early western movies portrayed the cowboy and his horse riding off into the distance and leaving the girl behind.  Why is that?  Perhaps it’s because women talk. They need verbal communication in a relationship, and cowboys love solitude silence.

So what is the attraction between these two seemingly opposite types of individuals? Is it simply a case of opposites attracting? I think not.  Beneath her tough exterior, the school marm harbors a deep seated desire to improve the world she lives in.  She sees education and the strict adherence to rules as a means to an end.  She is, after all, a dreamer…just like the cowboy.

The cowboy, on the other hand, lacks the ability to impose order on his chaotic world.  Deep down he knows that he cannot not succeed in making any significant changes to the world unless he understands and works within the rules that govern society. In a sense, he longs for order while at the same time, he is rebelling against it.

The same kind of push-pull attraction can be said to work for most relationships. What is it that attracts the charismatic leader to the shy, withdrawn individual?  More importantly, what sustains the relationship when theses opposite forces come into conflict as eventually they must?

And therein lies, the crux of the situation and the basic plot line for my writing. I like putting these characters in difficult situations to see which one rises to the top…which one takes control…and how this crisis changes their relationship.

Seesaw Relationships

In a previous blog ("Dreamers vs. Realists: Magic or Toxic", 5/24/13) I reflected on the magnetic draw between dreamers and realists. Since completing my novel I have come to believe that that we are all seeking a balance in our relationships.  We are initially attracted to those who fill a void in our personalities so that our lives can achieve equilibrium that we believe will bring us happiness.

Relationships can be likened to a child’s seesaw in that they are balanced as long as the weight at both ends is equally distributed. Sometimes one end might be up, sometimes the opposite end might be up, but in order for it to work at all, there has to be equal weight on each end.  In relationships we are magnetized to each other because we see in the other person something that we need to achieve the balance. We strive to meet someone’s need and fulfill our own need at the same time.  This is true of friendships, work situations, and partnerships of all kinds.

In our attempt at balance, we often attract others that are on the same continuum as we are.  If someone is aggressive, he may attract someone who is meek.  In fact the meekness may bring out the aggression in that person.  To achieve balance, one needs to learn to set boundaries and the other to respect boundaries. Holding on to resentments only causes them to build until, finally, the relationship breaks.

In the case of dreamers and realists, the balance is often achieved when both parties move toward the center or the extreme together. However, if one party begins to move toward the center and the other does not, the balance is thrown off and the relationship begins to tilt to one side resulting in disharmony and disillusionment.

When relationships are in full bloom, there is energy about it.  There is enthusiasm and communication as each party learns what the relationship has to teach them. Then sometimes, for no apparent reason, all the energy goes out of the relationship.  There is no enthusiasm for the job, the people at the job, a particular friend, or partner.  This seems to indicate that we may have learned all we can from that relationship, and it may be time to move on to another one of life’s lessons.

In Windborne, the three women who are the central focus of the novel are also seeking this balance in their relationships. When the relationships end, they must reflect on what really makes them happy and what doesn’t.  They must learn to apply the lessons they learned from their relationships and pay attention to any red flags that come up in the future.

They must learn not to be afraid to be alone for a while if that’s what life has in store.  In spending time alone, they are actually giving themselves the opportunity to get to know themselves as individuals and to incorporate and integrate the experiences they have had into their new sense of self. They must learn that one of the most important relationships they will ever have is the one they have with themselves.

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